Dating is not what it used to be. My parents met when they were in their late 20s in what Hollywood would call a “meet-cute.” They met at a café, and before you knew it, they were dating, married, having kids, living in the suburbs, and carrying on in the so-called happily-ever-after.
Today, dating in your 20s consists of swiping left or right on your phone while laying in bed with Netflix and popcorn. Romance isn’t dead; it’s aflame in the form of Tinder. Scrolling through the dating app is a warzone of, “U up?” The second someone messages saying, “Hey,” you accept that as the 21st century meet-cute and run with it. Thus, I snagged Jesse, a 26-year-old interested in history and started the conversation with a simple, “My blood is coffee.” Seeing as I am blinded by fellow coffee-lovers, wanted a date, and needed to take a trip to the Johns Hopkins Archaeology Museum, I decided to combine all tasks into one economical and seemingly practical decision for a first date.
The Archaeology Museum is located in Gilman Hall, right below a café. When walking into Gilman, you must adopt the Gilman culture. Immediately change into an effortlessly hipster ensemble, spread your entire life out on one café table, and order a drink with the highest espresso rate yet the smallest cup size. After completing these tasks, take your date downstairs to the museum, and let the awkwardness unfold.
The Archaeology Museum is undoubtedly small. With glass walls and drawers of hidden goods, the one-room studio creates a limited supply of items to lurk around while waiting for your date to conjure up some conversation. While there is a great variety in the works available — one wall is covered entirely in Latin funeral stones and another is patterned with ancient war tools — the space is dominated by a series of tables on which students work to research the catalogue of goods kept within the museum. It is for this reason that I must warn you to not joke that the wacky-eyed Aztec masks look like you the morning after drinking; the museum staff will hear you. I also recommend not reenacting scenes from The Mummy movies in front of the actual mummy in the museum. After receiving some strange looks from staff and a half-hearted laugh from my date, I can confirm that this was indeed not as funny as I thought it would be. The upside is that there are so many objects to learn about within this small space, that its fairly easy for you to ignore your date entirely, especially after he didn’t laugh at your funny Mummy bit.
If you need some air after adequately embarrassing yourself in the main room, the museum has an exterior loop to awkwardly linger around until you can call your date to an end. The small space and painfully public glass walls of the Archaeology Museum are excellent at exposing every detail of your date to passersby, thus providing the perfect backdrop for a very awkward, terribly miscommunicated, and already mummified first date.
Visit the JHU Archaeology Museum website for more information.